24 Hours of Lemons
Yes, it's true. At the 24 Hours of LeMons, you enter a $500 car in a bent-wheel-to-bent-wheel race against other knuckle-dragging meatheads like yourself while praying that you, your car, and the other members of your dim-witted team will last the entire duration of a weekend that your insurance agent will want to forget. While many racers from the upper echelons of motorsport deem the 24 Hours of LeMons too low-brow to even bother learning about, guys like Jay Lamm, the chromosome-deficient inventor of this anti-Pelosi pep rally finds complete inner harmony in offering a venue for real-world racers to laugh, race, and get pelted with tofu (more on that later).
As a backgrounder, the 24 Hours of LeMons is a travesterial play on words of what is normally known as the world's grandest motorsports event, the 24 hours of Le Mans. Held in the hallowed and odiferous mountainsides of France, where more people wave white flags than deodorant sticks, this wine and cheese extravaganza is the last bastion of elegant motorcar racing where race gas meets champagne. But other than the 24-hour endurance race format, Lamm's LeMons race has little similarity aside from the body odor.
If you complete the race with the most number of laps (without serious mechanical failure or flashbacks from Vietnam), you are deemed the unfortunate winner and will be awarded a $2,500 grand prize. Now before you get too excited, you should know that the LeMons committee will only pay you with America's second-smallest denomination, the Nickel. So, make sure your tires pressures are up to spec on your tow rig to haul away the satchels of coins (all 50,000 of them). Oh, you will also gain notoriety and fame amongst your fellow gearhead friends as the Internet community will shower you with major sponsorship and book deals (that's what Jay Lamm promises). And you'll finally be able to sleep in the same room as your wife again.
Teamquirk
Knowing what was ahead, we assembled a so-called race team to tackle the LeMons race at Stafford Springs, Connecticut over the weekend of August 23-24, 2008. Our group of quasi-professional misfits was led by myself and Terry Shea, one of the most respected journalists on the planet, writing for publications such as Roundel and the now-defunct Sports Car International. The tasks were split in two and I was in charge of vehicle and parts procurement while Terry had the task of financial and project management. On his side, his brothers Tom and Kevin were then enlisted to help with the rollcage and safety equipment as both happen to be hardcore circle track racers who were eager to try this race and were willing to use their years of experience building and racing Modifieds and Late-Model race cars. Between us all, the Shea boys had much more knowledge of what was required to handle such a race-we were just bankrolling and writing about it.
On my side of the team, we had me, the wannabe race car driver and self-proclaimed automotive know-it-all leading the rest of our team consisting of Wayne S. World and good friend Sean Lobosco. Both are savvy gearheads that know how to make things happen. And yes, they can drive, too. Together, our team's goal was to get ourselves race-ready by August. It was already May, so we had to act fast.
 Our weapon of choice was a...  Our weapon of choice was a 2004 Chevy Impala 9C1. Known for cheap and reliable transportation for law enforcement agencies, this former NYPD cruiser suffered from curb damage that deployed both of its airbags, rendering it for parts only. It was purchased for a mere $400 (plus tax) and we promptly gutted it. The windshield was cracked from the airbag, but luckily, it did not block our view and with some shipping tape, we were legal. |  The 3.8-liter V-6s are worth...  The 3.8-liter V-6s are worth their weight in pig iron, so what better way to put this motor to good use than to punt small import cars out of the way. Aside from engine oil, transmission oil, and power steering coolers, other technical highlights of the 9C1 Impalas are the factory 4T65E transmission, 12-inch front brakes, and 11-inch rear discs with semi-metallic pads. |  All side and rear glass, lamp...  All side and rear glass, lamp assemblies, and other breakable exterior items must be removed due to safety reasons. The windshield can stay. Further gutting of the car rewarded us with a 400-pound weight reduction. |